I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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