So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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