I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
