i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
