im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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