Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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