I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
there's paper in my vomit.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
BRING THE BAGELS
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
