They should really pass out barf bags in church
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
