Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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