Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
