the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
