pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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