Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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