I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
