Fine. I'll sleep in my office
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
