Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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