i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
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Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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