the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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