but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
