I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
