I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
