laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
