You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
