Sry I called you an 8
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dicks are not precious.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
