I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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