im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
