if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
