so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
