I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
