hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
