i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
