did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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