Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
