I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
