Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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