What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
