i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
