that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
