well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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