my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
