You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
