I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
