I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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