Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
