At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
