mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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