You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
