A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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