I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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