i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
