When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You can't special order awesome
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
