i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
