but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
