youre lurking in front of me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
