Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
