bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
