im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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