My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
only you would photoshop your dick
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
