when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love you. Go after that dick
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
PANTIES FOUND
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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