I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
